Here are some easy tips to make pipe smoker more socially acceptable.
Disclaimer: The following is Satire. The definition of satire is “the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.”
- Dress as a gentleman when in public. Don’t look like a ruffian. Wear a suit, semi-dress clothes or something dressy, casual like Polo shirt and slacks. No t-shirts, shorts, holey faded blue jeans, etc. You want to look like a gentleman, not someone who’s tending the lawn at the country club or headed to the beach. Oh, no beat-up sneakers or sandals. Exception: Sandals are fine if you’ve just had a pedicure and you are wearing proper golf shorts with a Polo shirt. Proper also means the shorts are worn belted around your waist and not hanging below your hips.
- Always wear a proper hat if outdoors. No ball caps (unless on a golf course). Panamas, Fedoras, Cabbie caps, are examples of good hats. The exception is the Fez or smoking cap. They should only be worn indoors when paired with a silk smoking jacket. A cotton bath robe is NOT a smoking jacket.
- Do not use profanity if those around you may hear and be offended. I adhere to the rule “Don’t say it if you wouldn’t say it to your mother.” Wait! Forget the “offended” part. In these times, even say “Hello” could be offensive to some snowflake.
- Don’t smoke anything heavy with Latakia when in the general public. Opt for aromatics or good non-aromatics that don’t smell like a campfire or burning tires. Obviously, this doesn’t apply when attending a pipe club meeting.
- When “Lunting” walk an appropriate dog – something like an English Bulldog, Wolfhound or Dalmatian. Do not walk dogs which may present a threat like a pit bull or German Shepard. Also, for men, no Chihuahuas, Pekinese or Poodles. Female pipe smokers may walk any dog which they like (People will be so shocked by seeing a Female pipe smoker that they won’t notice if they are walking a dog or an ostrich.)
- Unless you are short, fat and often mistaken for a yard gnome or hobbit, keep your facial hair trimmed. (addendum: If you meet the above criteria, you must also be either bald or have your hair the same length as your beard.) If you are short, fat and often mistaken for a yard gnome, you are then allowed to wear coveralls, plaid shirts and a pointed cap. You should be smoking a churchwarden filled with a flowery aromatic.
- If you are a lumberjack, farmer or rancher then plaid shirts are acceptable wear while in your work environment but you must be smoking a cob. Lumberjacks should be smoking blends that smell like a burning brush fire. Farmers and ranchers should be smoking straight Virginia blends that has that nice grassy aroma.
- Tradesmen (auto mechanics, blacksmiths, electricians, plumbers, etc.) may smoke their pipes while wearing their work clothes in non-social settings. However, plumbers especially should make sure they wash their hands before packing their pipes. Auto mechanics should make sure their hands are grease and gasoline free. (Note: Dog walkers may smoke ropes or twists if it’s not one they pick up from behind the dog by mistake.)
- When in a public setting where smoking a pipe and imbibing alcohol is allowed, be mindful of what you are drinking out of. Drink out of glasses which is appropriate for what you are drinking – a snifter for brandy or cognac, an old fashioned or rocks glass for whiskey, a chimney glass for Gin & Tonic, etc. No drinking out of plastic cups, cans or bottles unless at a function like a beach party or crawfish boil. Just remember, Gentlemen do not drink wine out of a red Solo cup nor chug directly from a scotch bottle.
- Finally. Don’t be rude. We’ve all been there. You are outside in a public area where smoking is allowed enjoying a pipe. Someone 30 feet away and upwind of you loudly shouts, “Disgusting! Someone is polluting the air and trying to give me cancer from their second-hand smoke!” Just ignore them. Don’t respond. Don’t say, “I’m just trying to hide the disgusting stink of your perfume.” Don’t say, “Hey! It’s okay, it’s vegan tobacco!” And most of all, don’t say “Run along kid before I call your momma!”
© J. Gibson Creative Services 2017
